We’re almost half-way done with 2011. I am not comfortable talking about goals because I am not someone who is focused on self-improvement. I am just lazy. I accept it. You should accept that about yourself, too. But there were three particular things I wanted to accomplish in 2011. I thought I would share them with you.
- I wanted to be braver & bolder. Basically, I wanted to be Oprah who is thinner thanks to an ongoing eating disorder. Now listen, I am very brazen and acerbic — but when it comes to the tough decisions in life, I take the easy way out. Unfortunately, I knew I had a few tough choices ahead of me in 2011. I won’t bore you with all of the details, but I accepted a new job, turned down other job offers that were hard to turn down, and I euthanized my cat even though I wanted to keep her alive for another million years. Suburban woman problems, right? Fine. Okay. But this is still the year when I’ll be a little more braver and bolder than the rest of you chumps.
- I wanted to be kinder & gentler. No, I am not the first George Bush. I woke up in 2011 and I felt tired. Although I hate it when you act like an idiot, I am not the ‘asshole police’. It’s not my job to have a crucial conversation with you and tell you how to fix your life. It’s a waste of my time and you won’t listen to me, anyway. So when I can offer atheist forgiveness, I do. When I can’t offer forgiveness, my goal is to stop paying attention to your dumbass decisions. My indifference makes me kinder & gentler — and less of a shrew.
- This year is the year where I wanted to pare back extraneous relationships that never made sense in the first place. You know what I don’t need? More people asking me for shit. The former coworker who only calls when he needs something. The family member who texts me constantly for career advice but can’t afford to pay me and won’t look internally at her real problems. The person who says he wants to be my friend but doesn’t always make an effort. I am exhausted. And I know that not every relationship is equal — and there is always someone who likes the other person more — but there has to be an emotional ROI in order to justify a friendship. And in some relationships, the disequilibrium is too much to take. I have ended a few friendships in 2011. Some people have ended friendships with me because I’m a different woman. Oh well. More time for Facebook, I guess.
So that’s my mid-year update. When it comes to the boring minutia in my life that I rarely share, it looks something like this: I threw out my back in early January, I had a punch biopsy and an excisional biopsy in late January to remove some pre-cancerous skin cells (stay out of tanning beds), I had a norovirus in February, and my husband lost his job (January) and got a new one (May).
All Debbie Downer stuff.
And I’ve been to Chicago (twice), London, New York City, San Diego (three times), Vegas (twice), Fort Worth (three times), Baltimore, Atlanta, Greensboro (don’t ask), and a few other places I can’t remember since January 1st. So that’s pretty fun.
And I just jumped off the Stratosphere in Las Vegas and did not stick the landing. Hilarious.
Someone tell Tosh — but dammit, I want a link back to this blog.