Anthony Bourdain is Such a Piece of Shit

by

Tony Bourdain

Public speaking is incredibly difficult and awful. I know this because I recently booked my 100th paid speaking event and wondered — why the hell do I do this? I never feel good about myself, I worry about my clothes and the whole endeavor makes me want to vomit.

This is why I’m extremely generous to most public speakers. I always give the benefit of the doubt because it just takes one small thing to throw you off your game.

So several months ago, I plunked down $120 to see Anthony Bourdain. I should have wiped my ass with that cash. Tony rolled onto stage like a bad version of Joey Ramone — yes, that’s possible — and seemed wholly unprepared. What was even more insulting is that he basically copied Kathy Griffin‘s act (in tone and snarkiness) and read from his notes.

And PS I don’t mean that he referenced his notes. HE READ FROM NOTES. Word for word at times.

I am not kidding. He couldn’t even tell his own stories.

And the stories he told weren’t all that great. When he wasn’t self-impressed and congratulating himself on feeding his children organic food, he was insulting Sandra Lee, Rachel Ray and Paula Deen. That’s fine. I get it. HE’S EDGY. But he never demonstrated any self-reflection or understanding that he is as much of a whore as the women he is insulting.

And at least those women can cook. Has anyone ever eaten anything from Tony Bourdain? Even Mario Batali can whip up a batch of pasta for corporate whores like me.

Here’s the deal. Lots of people try but very few people actually earn over $10,000/speech. It is an elite crowd and Anthony Bourdain should be applauded for achieving a certain level of success. He should also try harder.

I know he thinks that Sandra Lee is a crazy robot and Rachel Ray is a brand slut. We all know how he feels about Paula Deen. (She is a crack whore who lies about her diabetes.) Those opinions are lovely but there’s no substance behind the bravado. Well, maybe there is some substance but Tony could really use a good speaking coach to help him develop a unique tone, style and voice. And it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to have a point.

Maybe Anthony Bourdain isn’t a total piece of shit for stealing Kathy Griffin’s routine and hating on female chefs but I’m 100% sure that he is yet another guy — like Charlemagne, Thomas Jefferson and the Pope — who gets credit for working harder than he really works.

It’s just exhausting to watch.

And who the fuck asked him about his Oscar picks?

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