Christian Grey: The Sexy, Angsty, Restless, Mysterious CEO Hero Who Saves Us From Ourselves

by

I have really smart friends who light the world on fire with their brains and intellect. When they’re not working hard as thoughtful HR executives, they are amazing mothers and wives who try to stay sharp and current with their own skills.

And these crazy HR ladies all love 50 Shades of Grey.

If you haven’t read the book, let me save you five hours and summarize it.

  1. It is a colossal piece of shit.
  2. There is a young virgin. She doesn’t do boys. She does books. Specifically Tess of the d’Urbervilles.
  3. There is a handsome CEO with tons of money. In my mind, he looks like a mash-up of Andrew Garfield playing Eduado in the Facebook movie and the dude from Mad Men.

I’m about to spoil the book for you. Are you ready? The CEO takes the heroine’s virginity and talks her into trying a very boring sexual relationship that is outlined in a non-disclosure agreement. For example, there’s some flogging and shackling; however, they cannot defecate on one another. Sexy. Then they fall in love.

And the book tries to be shocking. For example, the CEO has sex with the main character when she has her period!

LIKE OMG IDK MY BFF JILL!

Ugh.

I hate to criticize my HR lady friends but much of this book was stupid and boring. Parts were offensive, too. But there were scenes (and dialogue) in this novel that made me laugh out loud — especially the parts about a sexy, angsty, restless mysterious CEO who is both handsome and athletic enough to have chiseled abs and participate in marathon sex sessions while negotiating complex mergers & acquisitions.

Hilarious because almost every CEO I know is out of shape. If he is not out of shape, he’s weird and socially awkward.

Okay, fine, there are a few handsome and normal CEOs. But not many. Like a purple squirrel, it’s mostly a rumor. And let’s face the facts — most men in power are there because of institutionalized wealth, family connections or personal advantages that started early in life. They went to law school or became financiers because they weren’t handsome enough to go to Hollywood or athletic enough to go pro.

So let’s not pretend that Christian Grey is real.

But the myth of the amazing, brilliant CEO who will save us from ourselves is very real. It’s a common archetype in our culture. There is the CEO who will save us from economic ruin and get us back to work. There is the CEO who will save us from diabetes. And there is a CEO who loves the free market and will get our country back on track without being too foreign or too Muslim.

Thank god for CEOs! Hooray!

Power and money make people do weird things but I’ve never met a woman who fell in love with an elusive, distant CEO and went, “Yeah, this is awesome.” In fact, I know several women who have had long-term, dysfunctional relationships with CEOs (and other executives) and spent an inordinate amount of time dealing with egos, neuroses and paranoia.

And from what I’ve heard, most CEOs aren’t into true BDSM. They are into themselves.

I will never have a relationship like the one Anastasia Steele has with Christian Grey — and neither will you. That kind of relationship doesn’t exist. But I think it’s weird how smart women (and men) have come to idolize the modern-day CEO as a father-figure, a savior, and now a source of sexual fulfillment & enlightenment.

Gross.

This book is awful. If you are an HR lady, skip the fake romance with the sexy, angsty, restless, mysterious ‘hero CEO’ and go read Tess of the d’Urbervilles.

It is much better.

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