Chump of the Week: Me

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I toyed with the idea of creating an award on Punk Rock HR called CHUMP OF THE WEEK. Then I forgot all about it because I caught my husband’s cold.

I had no intention of getting sick, and I wasn’t going to write about it — especially since I mocked my husband in such a public forum. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything beyond my blocked nasal passages and sore throat. I know that I am sick because of a virus, but I suspect karma has something to do with it…

…and damn, karma! Couldn’t you be kinder?

Once I came down with the symptoms, I started to get worried. My husband was really ill, so I went to the CVS Minute Clinic for a strep test. I asked the Physician’s Assistant if it could be bird flu and she told me — for the record — that bird flu is a serious condition that has no cure. People die.

So, uh, yeah, it’s not bird flu. Don’t try to make small talk with the Physician’s Assistant at CVS who is just trying to do her job. My bad.

I was diagnosed with viral pharyngitis, which is really just fancy-talk for a sore throat. My secondary condition? A cold. Unfortunately, I don’t take cold medicine because it makes me jittery and anxious. I’m kind of screwed because I don’t want blocked sinuses, insomnia, and a gaping fear that people hate me.

So I was instructed to drink hot soup, take hot showers, and use a neti pot to clear my sinuses.

Now this might sound totally weird, but I love the neti pot. The only person who loves the neti pot more is my pal, Diana Saez, who is expecting twins. She is so in love with the neti-pot I’m pretty sure that she was impregnated through a sinus flush. When I discovered her love of the all-natural sinus rinse, I knew she was my soul mate.

I forgot to mention that the Physician’s Assistant recommended gargling, which is weird & awkward for a sensible woman like me. She suggested a recipe recommended by her grandmother: water, salt, honey, molasses, lemon, and some other herbs and spices.

I said, “It sounds like you want me to gargle and vomit.”

More scowls.

*

Dudes, I am on the mend, but I hope this upcoming week is a little bit better. My nose is raw, my brain is bored, and I am tired of reading Facebook updates from people who are sick, too. It’s like a competition of the pathetic, and it’s almost enough to put me off blogging about my cold.

Almost.

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