Don't Have Sex at Work

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Here’s what I know about having sex at the office: Just. Don’t. Do It.

This topic of conversation comes up far too often in my life. Email inquiries. Conference talk. Q&As.

I know you think it might be fun to screw around with your coworker in a closet or on a desk. You are not as young as you used to be. It’s not comfortable. Someone is going to get hurt. Pencil in the back. Skinned knee. Work comp injury. Trust me. I know this.

Also, do you know how dirty the office is? Hand-washing is overlooked. Desks are touched with filthy hands. Why don’t you lick a toilet bowl at Grand Central Station? It’s just as hygienic.

If you do decide to have sex at work, don’t tell anyone. You tell two people and then they tell two people. Suddenly, HR is reviewing attendance logs to figure out when you badged in/out. They’re looking at computer & telephone records to see if you were doing any work. Security footage is pulled. Awkward conversations between you and your management team happen.

If you’re hot for a colleague, take it to the rent-by-the-hour hotel room near the airport. Trust me, it’s more private, safer, and cleaner than the office.

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