Employee & HR Handbook

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I once wrote a post called The Punk Rock Employee Handbook. I’ve updated it for 2011.

Things I expect from employees.

  1. Shut up. Your feelings get in the way of productivity.
  2. Behave. It’s not too much to ask. Really. We pay you.
  3. Don’t get too cocky. You’re not a genius.
  4. Do the bare minimum. That’s all we ask.
  5. When you go above and beyond, don’t ask for a parade. It totally wipes out the really great thing you just did.
  6. Take that chip off your shoulder. My life sucks, too. So does the next guy’s life.
  7. Don’t ask me to solve your problems. We grow up and move away from our parents for a reason.
  8. Get out of the way of someone else’s good idea. This isn’t a democracy and you don’t have to agree with every decision.
  9. Have an ego but don’t let me see it too often. I don’t mind pride. I mind vanity.
  10. I’m not your google, bitch*. It’s rude to ask a question that the internet can answer.

Things I expect from HR.

  1. Implement a concept called ‘right first time’ in everything. If you can’t get it right the first time, don’t do it until you can get it right. Saying ‘I don’t know’ is allowed.
  2. Your job is rooted in ethical behavior. The financial crisis didn’t happen in a bubble. Someone hired, onboarded, and compensated those employees who brought our financial system to the brink of collapse.
  3. Speak with a strong voice of reason and know that it may get you fired. Nothing sadder than a scared HR department.
  4. Have a willingness to be disliked. You’re not here to make friends.
  5. Demonstrate the ability to rise above it. Not every issue is an HR issue.
  6. Do whatever the opposite of ‘mission creep’ is. Just because it involves people doesn’t mean it belongs in HR.
  7. Have an interest in something other than HR. Nobody likes a one-note-Johnny.
  8. Why don’t you smile? It’s really not that bad. You could be in Haiti.
  9. Use google. The internet is your friend and ally.
  10. Have the desire to teach, to lead, and to work yourself out of a job. We both know that 90% of what you do can be done by managers and administrators. And let’s face it — you don’t want to work in HR forever.

What am I missing?

*And ‘I’m not your google, bitch’ was stolen (shamelessly) from another human capital colleague. She can out herself.

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