Eyebrows. Nose Hair. Beard/Mustache.

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zach-galifianakis-esquireI am obviously too young to remember the song, “Free to Be You and Me.”

(Okay, that’s not quite true.)

The song basically tells you, the listener, that you have the ability to accomplish whatever you want to accomplish in life.

But if you are looking for a job, that is a lie.

If you had the potential to accomplish whatever you wanted to accomplish, you’d already have a job. You probably wouldn’t need to interview. And you sure as hell wouldn’t work for most of the companies that are hiring.

So let’s admit that you are probably not free to be you. And that’s too bad. There are career advisors who would lie to you and encourage you to be your quirky, mussy, bad-ass self who kicks ass and takes names. Those people are jerks. If you could be that person, you wouldn’t need someone to pay you 2x/month and withhold FICA.

It’s irresponsible to suggest that “you be you” during your job search. I think you should be the best version of you — especially during the hiring process — so you don’t get in the way of your story.

The single biggest place where men get in their own way? It’s the Bermuda Triangle of facial hair.

  • Eyebrows
  • Nose Hair
  • Beard/Mustache

I am a girl with a few tattoos and some piercings that never quite healed. Personally, I don’t care what you look like as long as you keep that shit tight. My expectations are low. Trim your eyebrows. Mind your nose hairs. And if you are going to have a mustache or beard, keep it clean.

Some HR ladies are mean to job seekers, though. They think it’s funny to tell stories about your appearance, and they do this because they are insecure bitches. I’m sorry. I know that many of you are on the verge of poverty and homelessness. So I promise: you will hear no mean-spirited talk from me or my personal HR friends.

But you have to help me, too.

Please don’t let your face get in the way of your job interview. If you are going to bomb the interview, bomb it because you are boring. Not because you have unkempt Lao Tzu eyebrows and some horrible HR girl in my network is laughing at you behind your back.

(Don’t worry. She is a righteous bitch and I took care of her.)

So do yourself a favor. Control what you can control. Clean it up for the interview. And be free to be the shaggiest version of you on the weekends.

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