How Do I Know if I’m a F**king Tool?


matt romneyLots of people have glommed on to the word “tool.” They use it to describe “douchey” guys.

(Look out, men. The late 80s have given way to the early 90s!)

So what makes someone a tool?

  • Do you refer to yourself in the third person?
  • Do you answer a question with a sarcastic question?
  • Do you quote thought leaders with the hope that people will think you’re a thought leader?
  • Have you ever had more than a five minute conversation about your new TV?
  • Do you post selfies but make fun of other people who post selfies?
  • Do you use a sports metaphor to describe everything you do?
  • Is your jewelry collection larger than a ring and a watch?
  • Do you use more than one bottle of hair product?
  • Do you wear Uggs outside the house?
  • Do you want to teach me something?
  • Do you buy your own hype?

(Now that I am reading my own list, I realize that I might be a fucking tool.)

I don’t know the parameters of healthy masculinity, and cultural differences mean that a really great guy in Barcelona or London or Melbourne might be a fucking tool in America.

(Like those guys who were singing rugby songs at my favorite bar in New York. Fuckers. Nobody wants to hear your weird, lame chants.)

But somewhere between Richie Incognito, Marc Anthony, Kanye West, Adam Levine and — at on other end — Ron Swanson or Ray Lewis is a decent path for most men to follow.

I hope some of you find a good male role model before it’s too late.

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