Average Jane tagged me in a meme and asked me to name seven quirks. Unfortunately, I’m not quirky.
Instead, I give you the Top 100 Facts About Lauren Ruettimann.
1. Lauren Ruettimann can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
2. Lauren Ruettimann does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever she goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever she leaves, she leaves a State of Destruction
3. Once a cobra bit Lauren Ruettimann’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
4. Lauren Ruettimann doesn’t have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Lauren Ruettimann.
5. Whenever Lauren Ruettimann plays Chutes and Ladders, she treats the chutes as ladders, because she’s not some sissy who can’t climb up a plastic slide.
6. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Lauren Ruettimann is going to walk.
7. Lauren Ruettimann does not sleep. She waits.
8. Lauren Ruettimann is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why she can only kick through doors.
9. Lauren Ruettimann does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Lauren Ruettimann goes killing.
10. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Lauren Ruettimann says its beef, then it’s beef.
11. Lauren Ruettimann once stated that she “doesn’t wail on sissy boys.” This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Lauren Ruettimann was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
12. Lauren Ruettimann beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.
13. Lauren Ruettimann doesn’t have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
14. Lauren Ruettimann was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
15. Lauren Ruettimann can slam revolving doors.
16. When Lauren Ruettimann deletes files from her computer, she doesn’t send them to the Recycle Bin. She sends them to hell.
17. Lauren Ruettimann died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell her.
18. Lauren Ruettimann and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
19. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Lauren Ruettimann.
20. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Lauren Ruettimann could use to kill you, including the room itself.
21. On her birthday, Lauren Ruettimann randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
22. When Lauren Ruettimann gives you the finger, she’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
23. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Lauren Ruettimann ate Kobayashi.
24. Lauren Ruettimann is the only one who can “try this at home.”
25. Lauren Ruettimann can kill two stones with one bird.
26. Lauren Ruettimann can delete the Recycling Bin.
27. If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Lauren Ruettimann laughing at you.
28. Lauren Ruettimann is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
29. Lauren Ruettimann has beat the crap out of so many people over her brilliant life that most medical journals now classify her as a laxative.
30. Lauren Ruettimann sleeps with a night light. Not because Lauren Ruettimann is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Lauren Ruettimann
31. If Lauren Ruettimann wants some shade, she stares the sun down until it eclipses.
32. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Lauren Ruettimann, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
33. Lauren Ruettimann’s blood type is WD-40.
34. Lauren Ruettimann can watch a season of “24” in just three hours.
35. Lauren Ruettimann played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
36. Lauren Ruettimann invented the hammer when she was tired of using her forehead to slam nails into wood.
37. On a high school math test, Lauren Ruettimann put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. She got an A+ on the test because Lauren Ruettimann solves all her problems with Violence.
38. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Lauren Ruettimann’s basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
39. Lauren Ruettimann can speak braille.
40. When Lauren Ruettimann plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
41. Lauren Ruettimann can predict the shuffle on her iPod.
42. You are what you eat. That is why Lauren Ruettimann’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
43. Only once has Lauren Ruettimann ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
44. Lauren Ruettimann’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Lauren Ruettimann.
45. Lauren Ruettimann is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
46. Lauren Ruettimann once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
47. Lauren Ruettimann had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Lauren Ruettimann went the lamb was sure to go. So she killed it.
48. Circles exist because Lauren Ruettimann beat the crap out of some squares.
49. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Lauren Ruettimann punched herself in the face.
50. Lauren Ruettimann destroyed the periodic table, saying Lauren Ruettimann only recognizes the element of surprise.
To get the other 50 (& to learn about your own quirks), go here.