There are a ton of things that bug me about the holiday season but this is, by far, the worst offender.

I don’t enjoy the song, but David Bowie’s version of Little Drummer Boy makes me scream. What is he doing with Bing Crosby?!

Come on, man.

Who is with me?!

I am trying to be a full-time writer.

Turns out, that job pays like crap.

So I’ve accepted a few consulting assignments in 2013 to pay my credit card bills. When I do work, I consult with HR technology vendors on their marketing strategies.

What does that mean? Well, it means a whole bunch of boring shit. Marketing strategies. Social media. Ridiculous content. Email campaigns. White papers. Webinars. Blog posts. Speaking engagements.

But these days, it means that I am turning down a lot of work because some vendors have no love for their clients.

No love for your clients? Dismissive and misogynistic language towards HR ladies? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

The HR tech community is on a loop, and I keep hearing the same old nonsense from many vendors.

  • We don’t sell to HR.
  • We are a data company, not a human resources company.
  • We aren’t interested in administration and compliance.
  • We want to facilitate a human resources revolution.
  • HR ladies don’t get our products.

Yeah, okay. Too bad for your shitty company, bub,  because these HR ladies will be sticking around until the robots take over. And maybe beyond that.

I keep telling potential clients: if you don’t absolutely love your customer, and you talk about the function of human resources as if you’re working through issues with your mom, you don’t deserve to close a deal. And I certainly won’t help you reach the buyer through a marketing plan built on condescension and disdain.

Maybe it’s because I am older, but when asked to pick a side between menopausal HR women and HR technology vendors enamored by the size of their own dicks, imma pick the ladies.

Hoes before bros … especially my hoes in HR … which is why my consulting business sucks.

Pfffft.

At least I am principled.

matt romneyLots of people have glommed on to the word “tool.” They use it to describe “douchey” guys.

(Look out, men. The late 80s have given way to the early 90s!)

So what makes someone a tool?

  • Do you refer to yourself in the third person?
  • Do you answer a question with a sarcastic question?
  • Do you quote thought leaders with the hope that people will think you’re a thought leader?
  • Have you ever had more than a five minute conversation about your new TV?
  • Do you post selfies but make fun of other people who post selfies?
  • Do you use a sports metaphor to describe everything you do?
  • Is your jewelry collection larger than a ring and a watch?
  • Do you use more than one bottle of hair product?
  • Do you wear Uggs outside the house?
  • Do you want to teach me something?
  • Do you buy your own hype?

(Now that I am reading my own list, I realize that I might be a fucking tool.)

I don’t know the parameters of healthy masculinity, and cultural differences mean that a really great guy in Barcelona or London or Melbourne might be a fucking tool in America.

(Like those guys who were singing rugby songs at my favorite bar in New York. Fuckers. Nobody wants to hear your weird, lame chants.)

But somewhere between Richie Incognito, Marc Anthony, Kanye West, Adam Levine and — at on other end – Ron Swanson or Ray Lewis is a decent path for most men to follow.

I hope some of you find a good male role model before it’s too late.

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