Pies and Massage [Corporate Wellness]

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Corporate wellness programs are a crock of shit.

No data? No ROI? No way I’m losing weight for my company!

You can take your paternalistic, nanny-state policies and stick them in your pie hole.

Also, I hope your pie hole is either apple or french silk.

The one thing that might make me reconsider and support a corporate wellness program? Daily massage.

You could try to pay me $200/month to make an effort to stay away from alcohol and transfats and I would say, “Thanks but no thanks.”

Offer me a daily massage? Deep tissue? In the nude? With lavender and peppermint oils? Well that’s another story. If you make an offer to nationalize health care and include in-offices massages as part of the overall legislation, I might tell you that I’m making a concerted effort to avoid bacon and vodka.

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