Retail Customer Service


I really don’t care about good customer service. I don’t want you to go above and beyond. You don’t need to wow me. You barely make enough money to pay your rent and utilities. I want you to relax. Please don’t worry about smiling and making conversation. I don’t need it.

Here’s what you can do for me:

That’s right. This really is a blog post about you asking me for my drivers license when I’m trying to buy a shirt and a necklace at the mall.

Let’s get one thing straight: this isn’t communist China and I don’t have to show you my ID. It slows down the process, it exposes my information to the public, and it doesn’t really prevent identity theft.

Furthermore, it’s not your job to ask for my drivers license. It’s your job to get my fat butt into a pair of expensive and unflattering jeans. That’s it. Take my money and let me go. We’ll both be happier.


Please don’t send me email messages telling me you hate customers like me. I’m a great customer. Really. I am. I swear.

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