Here are my Top 10 Holiday Mistakes at Work.
[I see these stupid mistakes every year.]
1. You didn’t finish your project or assignment but your vacation begins on Monday. Guess what? No one gives a shit. You don’t work at McDonald’s and clock out for lunch, do you? Finish your work — or don’t finish it & have some balls about it — but don’t act as if your vacation just emerged out of nowhere. It’s December and you are on vacation during the same week every single year. Why don’t you be a little more considerate to your coworkers & supervisors who are depending on you?
2. You gave a gift to your coworker & didn’t get a gift in return. Your feelings are hurt and you wonder — what does it mean? Doesn’t she like me? Did I do something wrong? Hell yeah, you did do something wrong. You had high expectations. Give a gift or don’t — but please do not assume that colleagues will buy you a present because it’s December and it’s snowing outside.
3. You forgot to bring a treat to the potluck office party. Bringing cookies to the party isn’t mandatory. If you don’t say anything, no one will notice that you came empty-handed. Show up, eat a piece of strudel, and get the hell out of there.
4. Your kids gave you the obligatory holiday tie with snowmen & trees & shit. Please, for the love of all things Frosty the Snowman, leave the ugly holiday attire at home. This includes your Santa hat.
5. Your coworkers are taking extra long lunches to finish last-minute holiday shopping and it’s not fair. You’re thinking about ratting them out to the bossman. Don’t. Be. A. Jerk.
6. You’re offended when your coworkers wish you a Merry Christmas. Not everyone is as enlightened as you, hipster. Diversity & inclusiveness means that you assume good intent and cut people some slack. Not every moment is a teachable moment, douchebag.
7. You are scheduled to work on Christmas Day and you’re really mad about it & have a bad attitude at work. You are making everyone miserable with your bitching and moaning. Hey — watch me play the world’s saddest song on the world’s smallest violin. Do you hear what I hear?
8. Your coworkers are collecting items for a local charity and you don’t want to contribute. It’s okay — charitable contributions aren’t mandatory. What’s mandatory is that you don’t get on a soapbox and say things like, “Charity begins at home.”
9. The office administrative assistant is playing Christmas carols on her radio and the volume is too loud. Also, you hate Feliz Navidad. What? Dude, I love that song. If you must, handle this the way you would handle a coworker who plays crazy, right-wing talk radio all day long: turn up the volume on the classic rock radio station. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like Led Zeppelin.
10. Your boss gives you a gift and it’s in his name but you know the company paid for it — in fact, the company pays for all departmental gifts and you’d rather have the cash. You and me both. (Did we work for the same company?) Why don’t you send this suggestion to the CEO or the CFO as a cost savings measure? Send it to the SVP of Human Resources as a morale boosting program, too. Be warned: don’t expect action on this suggestion. Executives like to spend the company’s money, and I believe that most Fortune 500 Companies are in cahoots with Harry & David.