The Best Holiday Office Gifts

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I’m on the record saying that you shouldn’t buy gifts for your coworkers or boss.

Hear me out. There are no affordable and sensible gifts that can clearly articulate how you feel about your colleagues. And giving a gift implies proximity and intimacy. I’ve seen this go wrong. Intentions are misread. Feelings may not be reciprocated.

I know you want to get something for your colleagues. Last year, I suggested you buy:

  1. A Doll That Gives Birth With Placenta
  2. Bacon Jam
  3. Chocolate Sea Salt or a box of Pralines
  4. Santa Baby Retro Pin Up Girl 6oz flask
  5. Hoodie-Footie for her and the Hoodie-Footie for a bear
  6. Ruby Red Slippers Soap

All winners.

Me? I have been given scarves, sweaters, ornaments, books, mugs, gift cards, coffee, cookies, cakes, fruit baskets, wine, homemade chocolate pretzels, and earmuffs. All very thoughtful. You know what I really want? I want you to do your job.

Laurie, you’re such a scrooge!

I’m not. I promise. Baby Christmas Jesus is in my heart. I’m just old school. If you want to give something nice, give the gift of a job well done.

Not good enough? Fine. Whatever. This year you can give…

  1. A brooch that looks like a vagina for the office feminist.
  2. Gummy bacon for the dude in your office who is still all over that trend.
  3. Marshmallow Weapons for those older guys who want to awkwardly bond with your Gen Y programmers.
  4. Embroidered Terry Velour Kimono Bathrobe for your customers, baby.
  5. Pig’s Nose and Sheep Dip Whiskey. Just for the name.
  6. An I F–KED TOM BRADY t-shirt. Because who hasn’t, actually? No wait, fine, get an I Love Tebow t-shirt. Freaks.
  7. ‘Follow Me’ thigh high stockings. I still love these but they won’t work for your shorty friends like me. They’ll say FOLL — and then you’ll have to look up your friend’s skirt to see the rest. Well, hey, maybe that does work.

I know you want to thank your coworkers. My original advice still holds — say thank you with your actions instead of your Visa card.

Your words and heartfelt gratitude are much more important than a tin of kettle corn.

Although I’m not gonna turn that down, yo.

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