I am at the movies, the other night, and I see some kid named Ryan Beatty tell me that he’s taking a pledge not to text and drive. He is encouraging his fans to do the same.
So I look at my husband and say, “Who the F is this kid? He has fans? Is he even old enough to drive?”
And my husband is like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask the people in the back row who heard you. And you sound like your Gramma.”
But please tell me that you get my point. This kid looks like he works at my Dairy Queen. And he better hurry the fuck up and get me my Peanut Butter Cup blizzard is all I’m saying.
So then we watched Blue Jasmine, a movie where a middle-aged woman falls. the. hell. apart.
Cate Blanchett is amazing but the character is something else. Had she been ten years younger, or in the hands of a less misogynistic director, I am pretty sure the story ends differently. Or does it? Because the world has no space for older, irrelevant women.
I see how it happens. Slowly. Boys go from smiling at you to smiling past you. Middle-aged men start asking for business advice instead of asking for a night in bed. And while every strong woman over 50 tells me that sexual intimacy and sexual attraction with your partner has little to do with your physical appearance, I suspect that’s a lie.
I want to tell myself that if the world has no space for a middle-aged woman, I will go make space. I will embrace my inner Ann Richards and Jane Fonda (who is now a Christian) and stay relevant in other ways.
But I am already tired. Young men are dopes. Young women are their own worst enemies.
I just hope I can stick to my principles and be a mentor — and not a murderer — when I am staring stupid, undereducated, wayward youth in the face.
I do know this: Ryan Beatty would kill to wake up one morning and have the career longevity and success of Cate Blanchett. But if he had to be a middle-aged woman to do it, I’m pretty sure he would stay himself.
But he’s right: Don’t text and drive. It can wait.