Unemployment & The Husband


The husband and I spend almost every waking hour of the day together. I thought mutual unemployment would be all romantic and wonderful, but it’s pretty much like our employed lives only more boring. Here’s how it goes: I complain about stupid people & he does projects around the house. The latest project is the dishwasher.

Our dishwasher was recalled by GE — there’s a risk that it can catch fire or some crazy nonsense like that. We were offered several options to address the recall, and we chose to buy a new dishwasher & receive a small and nearly insignificant rebate. I think this is GE’s way of ensuring that its product line is upgraded every few years. Brilliant, Jack Donaghy! Will you recall my microwave, next?

The dishwasher arrived, today, and the husband flexed his big muscles and removed the old appliance and began installing the new one. In an excellent display of my multi-tasking skills, I played the role of both supervisor and color commentator during this project.

  • Aren’t you going to need a dolly to move that dishwasher by yourself?
  • While you’re under there, why don’t you sweep out those dust bunnies.
  • Why don’t you put the old dishwasher in the yard next to the old buckets of driveway sealer that you keep meaning to take to the dump? That way our neighbors will really like us!

I’m nothing if not helpful. My Human Resources skills are coming in handy, don’t you think?

Sure enough, the dishwasher was 92% installed when the husband noticed that it was damaged in transit. It figures, right? Nothing comes easy when you’re unemployed and have nothing better to do all day than fight minor inconveniences.

The damaged dishwasher (normally a non-event) & my excellent color commentary caused my patient & mild hubby to break out in a string of obscenities and go (what I can only describe as) absolutely ape-shit.

  • Me: Can I clarify? Is this a hissy fit or a conniption fit? I’ve never seen you like this and it’s crazy.
  • Husband: Not now, Laur. I’ve got stuff to do and I’m on the verge of going bat-shit like you’ve never seen me.

He was pissed off, yo. I love him like that. Unemployment is priceless.

The good news is that a replacement dishwasher is on the way. The bad news is that it will take several days, and in the meanwhile, I’m in the doghouse for mocking the husband’s rampage. Now I’m the official dishwasher until the new model arrives. Oh, and I have a big gaping hole in my kitchen.

I am thankful that I have a husband with bad-ass skillz, though.

(I love you so much, baby. I’m going to take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.)

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