What Does a World-Class College Recruiting Program Look Like?

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Pictures from College Republican recruiting at...HTFSIK?

Truly. I have no idea. I haven’t been on campus since 2000 and it was a scene. I met a bunch of kids at a crappy Houlihan’s* in Champaign, IL and recruited them back to my hotel room for a late night soiree.

(*It might have been a Ground Round. My memory is fuzzy. When you can expense shit and you are not much older than the kids you are hiring, you are king of the world. Especially in the middle of Illinois.)

No, wait, hold on, my time line is off. I was on campus back in 2008. I did some graduate recruiting and I swore to Jesus Christ himself that I wouldn’t go back. There is nothing more thankless than listening to pretentious jerks with no work experience talk about their unrealistic compensation expectations.

Oh you demonstrated leadership by taking on a low-stakes project where nothing matters and no money was spent? And you led a club? I’m sorry. My mistake. I thought you were an asshole. My bad. Lemme up my offer and give you more stock options that you don’t deserve.

Sign me up for waterboarding. Please.

Listen, you and I both know that college recruiting isn’t hard. There is a process — just like a regular recruiting campaign.

  • First things first — identify your suspects. (“Packing Engineers. Michigan State. Preferably cheap. Go!”)
  • Use your super-sleuthing HR skills to identify a group who fit your criteria. (“Must speak English and pass a drug test.”)
  • Identify prospective candidates and create a candidate pool. (“Do you like to work or are you a lazy fuck?”)
  • Verify your selection by talking to professors and mixing with the students at uncomfortable networking events. (Stay away from the cubed cheese.)
  • Try to get to know the kids in your pool. (Worst part of the job.)
  • Give ’em a little something but resist the urge to give ’em swag. Want to offer something cool? You can’t. You work for a lame-ass company. The best you can do is to offer them an opportunity to have lunch with an executive. Maybe you can swing a trip to your corporate R&D facilities to understand how work gets done. I dunno. You figure it out.
  • Then you close ’em with cash and jewels and Xbox 360s.

That’s how I do college recruiting. Minus the Xbox.

NO LAURIE! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT RECRUITING. IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. YOU NEED TO USE SOCIAL MEDIA. THROW UP A FACEBOOK PAGE. GET A LINKEDIN GROUP GOING. INTEGRATE THIS SHIT INTO YOUR CRM SYSTEM. TRACK IT WITH A DASHBOARD AND ANALYTICS!!!!!!!!!!! THEN SEND THESE KIDS A TEXT. NO WAIT DON’T SEND ‘EM A TEXT BECAUSE THAT’S TOO MUCH. JUST FOLLOW THEM ON TWITTER AND FORMULATE YOUR EMPLOYMENT BRANDING STRATEGY. AND MAKE THAT SHIT MOBILE! OMFGMOBILE!!!!!!KJFLKDJSLJDOFLKWDNS&*$&^@#^&UHF)(Q(WIEOKS MOBILE APPS DAWG@O!

I had that real-life conversation and apparently I am an ass who doesn’t know how to recruit kids.

It’s really hard.

You want a world-class college recruiting program? Let me speak in absolutes.

  • There is only one way to achieve this goal. You need a world-class, overarching, comprehensive recruiting methodology where you truly approach this process like you’re recruiting adults.

And you need to stay away from the short blonde girl at the Houlihan’s on the University of Illinois. She is dressed like a frumpy HR lady but she is trouble(d).

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