Lots of HR people wonder if you should avoid talking about religion and politics at the office. I don’t shy away from much in life. I am a big believer in sharing your point of view. Speak directly. Have an opinion. That’s what makes the world more interesting.
You know what you shouldn’t do? Try to compliment a colleague. People don’t know how to express polite and genuine affection — and what comes out is a mash-up between awkward praise and hyper-personal observations. Most of the time, your efforts make you seem rude and insensitive.
How do I know this? I don’t even have coworkers and I’ve heard some of the stupidest statements during the past year.
Let’s take a walk down my memory lane of 2010.
- You’re not as tall as I thought you would be, I mean, it’s okay — but wow you are really short. I get this all of the time when I meet someone in real life. I never say, “You’re smellier than I thought you would be, I mean, wow, really.” Maybe I should.
- I didn’t know you like to look pretty at conferences. I actually asked the woman, “Is that supposed to be a compliment?” She said yes and tried to explain herself. Didn’t help. I responded, “Okay, that’s enough.” I think she had been drinking. Strike that: I know she had been drinking.
- Wow, your last name is awful — but thankfully it’s easier to say than spell. Don’t you work in HR? Where’s your commitment to diversity? Maybe I should just change my last name to Smith to make your life easier.
- I heard you just turned 50. You look great. Wow, okay, I didn’t just turn 50. I posted a Molly Shannon video on my Facebook wall — but it’s nice that you’re sorta paying attention to me. And way to be passive aggressive.
- Wow, is everything okay? You want to talk? You look tired. You’ve seen me two times in my entire life. How do you know what my version of tired looks like?
- I like your blog but it’s kind of light & superficial. Oh, right, because you read Russian Literature — without the English translation. Got it.
- It’s really great that you like cats. I admire how you’ve fostered and rescued kitties. I just think it’s a bit much for my taste. That’s fair. It’s totally appropriate for you to weigh in on how I choose to spend my time and what I chose to love.
- You’re like the matriarch of this industry. I just heard this one in Vegas. The guy meant to say that I’m powerful, but he unintentionally compared me to Miss Ellie Ewing. Although the comparison to a matriarch is valid because I’m an old woman who lives in the south and reigns over my family with an iron fist.
So here’s the deal, peeps. When speaking to professional colleagues, be courteous and thoughtful. Talk about politics until the cows come home but avoid comments about age, appearance, and state-of-being. When you screw up, you screw up big. It’s tough to watch and I am sick of assuming good intent. Especially when I’m not sure it’s there, yo.
79 comments ...wanna add one?
I applaud you telling people to talk abt politics (and religion) ’til the cows come home but most people just can’t go 5 minutes on either subject w/out fisticuffs breaking out. I wonder why. Really, I do.
My theory on the fisticuffs is simple – People hate to be told that they are wrong. These are two subjects that opinions vary widely on and for many people these issues are completely black/white and right/wrong.
I’m not wrong. You’re wrong. Blah blah blah.
Because most people are asshats.
I have a personal favorite from a HR Metrics Conference last year, “Did you mean to put stripes in your hair?” No, it was a mistake and I just didn’t fix it before I stood up in front of a hundred people. WOW
Good lord.
“I’m so proud of you…” Unless you are my parent or my therapist, this is an insane *compliment*
At you weren’t called the patriarch of the industry?
And how is your posture?
Yeah, I’ve only been going to pilates for 30 weeks because of one comment.
While teaching harassment one year, I totally screwed up trying to use a female manager as an example. It was the whole difference between “that’s a nice sweater,” and “you fill out that sweater nicely” thing.
Ha! I’ve been told that I fill out a sweater nicely. LOL.
I still think Chocolate is your color (sorry)-
Without compliments, we’d lack:
1. People occasionally doing something nice.
2. Great stories/blog posts
I say, keep complimenting, and when you stick your foot in your mouth, own it. Me? I own 3 of the 8 items on this list. I have a 40% fail rate, just with Laurie!
I left your comments out INTENTIONALLY because I want my blog to make it past company filters.
I agree in part- I’d venture to say that most of the statements you cite are just unreflective blunders that reveal more about the speaker. These people are just saying the first thing that pops into their head, which is usually something snarky. I guess sometimes people are also being manipulative.
I think compliments are actually pretty important to making solid connections with colleagues, but you have to think about what you’re going to say first. I feel like the occasional congratulation on a job well done, high five, or props for wearing something particularly well-chosen are all good for morale in general. Does it cease to be a compliment if it’s meant to be motivational?
Compliments can motivate if done right. Flattery for the sake of getting somewhere is never welcomed.
Word. My development team freaks me out sometimes when they compliment me for that very reason. The first thing that pops into my head is “what’s their angle?” I almost always feel like they stole something from me.
My dad called himself the matriarch of the family this Thanksgiving. Fo’ real.
(I need to have his meds adjusted.)
That’s awesome.
This was funny. Reminded me of the one time someone told me that I looked like I “used to work out.” His coworkers were aghast and I could not stop laughing.
I’m laughing so hard.
most of the ‘compliments’ you’ve listed are really left-handed (sorry, all you leftys out there… i admire and respect you, it’s just an expression).
it’s truly amazing how bad we are at giving compliments… it’s like it’s really hard to think of something genuinely nice to say about someone else. sigh. sounds like a good new year’s resolution: try to think of something nice, even if you don’t want to say it…
I love this resolution. I’m going to adopt it.
Back-handed compliment, not left-handed. Kind of like saying you like and respect the left-handed people while still reminding them that being right-handed is “better”.
No, Darah is awesome. I think people do use left-handed quite a bit.
my mom, husband, and son are all leftys… and i love them whole-heartedly! they are certainly superior to me in their own ways; right-handedness has nothin’ on them!
Oh please, please don’t do this. There’s something just so patronizing about this tack, and people here in the South do it all the time. I hate it when someone looks you up and down, and you can tell they’re trying desperately to think of something nice to say, and then they come up with something really lame. “Did you whiten your teeth?” It’s way worse than someone saying nothing at all.
Just be kind, try to find a point of connection or reconnection, and move on. Not everyone needs evaluation and positive feedback every time you see them.
Ok, Laurie, regarding #1 – A couple months ago I had a dream that I saw you at a conference and you were REALLY TALL. For reals. You were sitting on a sofa and you had super-long legs. I asked why you always talk about being short and you said it was so you weren’t so recognizable. “Is that Laurie Ruettimann???” “Naw, she’s short. That chick is tall.” It was weird. (And even weirder is why I would dream about going to a conference…)
Uhm, yeah, that is weird on so many levels. And I have tree trunks for legs. And cankles. No, I’m not kidding.
You’re short Laurie???
Even though you have mentioned it like a bazillion times here, I am still gonna be shocked when I finally meet you. Right?
Compliments that are meaningful recognitions of good work or value that you have contributed are great. Compliments that are observations about a characteristic are pretty lame.
I get stupid remarks about my artwork all the time. I take it in stride, because I know some people just don’t know what to say. “That’s cute!” really isn’t a compliment. It says more about you than it does the artwork. Comments like “I like how you layer the colors,” and “That reminds me of my dog Scruffy that went to the Bridge 3 years ago,” lead to a more substantive conversation and show that you took more than a passing glance.
As far as compliments about appearance that aren’t really compliments, I realize that you have to suffer some fools when you put yourself out there as your brand. But the stupid “If you want to make your appearance irrelevant to criticism, do not choose ballet as a career,” justification is just stupid. You can comment about a dancer’s overall performance without saying the Sugar Plum Fairy ate too many sugar plums.
And you can talk about the impact that the work of a dynamic career consultant, writer and speaker has had on you without ever mentioning her physical stature.
It’s easier to talk about my height than my vacuous, poorly conceived blog.
Ding, ding, ding….Word of the day alert. “Vacuous – devoid of matter, empty.” I am going to use that 3 times today, before sundown.
DO IT
People tell me, “Wow! I expected you to look like a cat!” or “Oh, you are Brewskie Butt’s mom.” His vacuous, poorly conceived blog often gets more love than mine does.
Yes, age, appearance, and well-being form an unholy Triumvirate of “Don’t Go There.”
“Wow, your last name is awful” – This reminds me, I was at a job interview at a recruiter in NJ, and there was an Indian man giving his information to the secretary. She struggled with his last name and made a smile-laced comment about the name being hard to pronounce; to which he could only reply with an awkward laugh. In my mind, it’s like, “You recruit Instructional Designers and Information Technology pro’s, shouldn’t you be used to hard-to-pronounce Indian names? They come here and compete for opportunity, the least you can do is have some tact.”
I love it when I get a lecture on my name from someone named Papadopoulos.
Ding, Ding, Ding…another “I don’t know what the word means” alert. “Triumvirate”. You HR dudes have quite the vocab. And I can’t even use “Triumvirate” 3 times before the sun goes down cause 1) The sun is down here in the Pac NW 2) I have looked up the definition and still can’t figure out a way to use it : “The office or term of a triumvir..” Huh?
Oh – these made me giggle uncontrollably. Thankfully none of these bons mots were mine.
Nope! You’re safe.
I’m laughing too. I’m like, “How much am I getting paid to listen to you tell me that my pilates is paying off because I look tight?”
WTF. I mean, really.
I forgot to mention that I was told that I look tight — everything is where it should be for a woman my age. Hm.
Robin I’m pretty sure at least one of these was mine, I have a bad habit of thinking I’m acknowledging someone but instead sounding judgmental. And really, really superficial. (Which are both true, but I hate that I let the cat out of the bag so quickly upon meeting someone.)
“So-and-so, I’d like you to meet my assistant, Katrina. She normally looks better than this but she had a (cervical biopsy today).” I cut her off just as she trailed on cervical biopsy… Not that this counts as a compliment, but it was awkward.
I just laughed so hard that I burst a kidney.
I own a bottle of White Diamonds.
LMAO!
I agree with Maureen…..the problem with sharing an opinion on religion, politics, or in the business world, unionism, is that they never lead to a healthy discussion. Why? Because, these topics are based in beliefs and in most cases the most compelling facts will not change ones core belief. The only time it tends to be okay is when the two parties know that they can agree to disagree.
Reading your “compliments” above I have to believe that these are people who don’t really know you and vica versa. So here are my responses to these people…
1.You are not as tall……”Thank you for noticing my stature may I make a few comments about yours?”
2.I didn’t know you like to…..”Usually I don’t but in this instance I figured there were enough you folks in the crowd and thought I would be different.”
3. Wow your last name is awful…..”There are a lot of people that can say things that they cannot spell. I will give Gates a call and see if he can get my name into your spell checker.”
4. I heard you just turned……”I was 50 last week but after my recent invention of a time machine using nothing more than my blender and some enriched uranium I have returned to my normal age, maybe this could help you too.”
5. Wow you look…..”I am quite tired. These people that give me back handed compliments really wear me down.”
6.I like your blog…..I like your response to that one. hahahaha!
7.It’s really great that you like…..”Oh that is so nice of you to say. I always appreciate unsolicited feedback from my readers and coincidentally Michael Vick gave me a similar comment, but he is more into dogs.”
8. You are like the……”I love the English language, there are so many ways to say something and the true masters of vocabulary always select just the right word to express themselves.”
Thank God for the filter that is between my brain and my mouth.
A filter is REQUIRED!! (thanks
)
I never comment on when people lose weight. When I’ve lost weight and people would say, “Wow, you really lost weight” I’d always wonder if they thought I was a fat ass before.
Also, when they gain it back, they can still talk to me because I pretended they didn’t lose it in the first place.
I’ve been told, “You really lost weight, Laurie.” It bugs me because I had an ulcer, this summer. I really want to say, “Now I realize that there are other ways to lose weight besides extreme dieting, plastic surgery, and an eating disorder. I prefer the eating disorder.”
Interesting comments, all. I’m pretty cautious about compliments–unless it’s with someone I know very, very well–for all the reasons cited. I had a personal experience with this over the last year and a half. Because of a health condition, I began to lose an alarming amount of weight over a 12-16-month period. All of a sudden I had coworkers who haven’t said three words to me in 5 years crawling up my butt about my weight loss. Could I afford to lose the weight? Certainly! Did I enjoy how I was losing it, or having to explain it to near strangers over and over? Certainly not! (BTW, health issue on the mend, we think. I’ll be a blimpo again any month now!
)
Be well! No blimpo comments here. You’re great at any size, yo!
Oh, this made me laugh so hard. I especially love comparisons of online persona to real life. If we’re all online, we can’t we figure out that we’re all different in RL? My favorite discussion is about age because it inevitably causes someone younger than me to say, “I didn’t know you were THAT old!”
Um, thanks?
I hate discussions on any subject that drives people to seek validation. That’s just so silly. I don’t get how disagreement on a subject has to turn into personal judgement. Of course, this often goes way beyond politics or religion. I mean, I think Katy Perry is totally stupid and annoying, but I don’t think that people who like her are stupid and annoying. Like whatever you want! Hell, I have all the Glee soundtracks on my iPod at work. Who cares! It’s just a thing.
The world is all about compromise. I like it when they sing Katy Perry on Glee. And I liked Katy Perry on The Simpsons. Can’t we all just get along?
Amen sister.
If I don’t take a lot of time on my makeup in the morning I always, always get “are you sick?” or “wow, you look really tired.” I was born with dark circles under my eyes, so if I don’t pile on the concealer they show through. Geez, it’s not an invite to basically tell me I look like crap though.
I went off on one guy when he said I looked tired once, and I think word got around that I didn’t appreciate the comments. Haven’t heard either of those since!
I have dark circles, too. I piled on a ton of concealer and this iPhone picture tells you why that’s a bad idea.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=1732310145395&set=t.632019852
Stupid iPhone.
“I am so proud of you..” Unless you are my parent or my therapist, you can’t be *proud* of me….
I feel so strongly about this, I had to post it twice
Okay, not really. Operator error.
It’s worth it. 2x might not be enough for your genius!
Matriarch. Priceless.
I need a new matriarch wardrobe. obvs. Or maybe I don’t. Shit.
Matriarchs shop at Talbots. I have this on good authority.
I love the whole “Oh, where is your last name from?” routine. Deep down, a small bit of my soul dies whenever I have to play the “let’s guess JP’s heritage” game.
Are you Irish? God damn, I hate that joke.
Always go with Scotch-Romanian. Worked for Fletch
Compliment away, just act like an adult, use common sense, don’t be a jerk, and don’t be creepy. Treat people with respect and respect their boundaries. If you inadvertently cross a boundary, apologize and don’t do it again. And if someone gives you a backhanded compliment, call them on it – That sounds like a dig, did you mean it that way?
Good, solid, responsible advice that will not be heeded by anyone!
Suffering succotash! If clues were shoes these folks’d go barefoot.
My New Year’s resolution almost one year ago was to lose weight — when I realized that what used to be my “fat pants” were now my “skinny pants.” I lost the weight and felt pretty good about it. And then a person who I see at conferences perhaps two or three times a year walks up to me and says, “Wow. You’ve dropped a lot of weight. Is it cancer?” Now that was a buzz kill.
You’re right about the passive aggressive nature of some of these comments. It reminds me of the differences between a “nice friend”, a “mean friend” and an “evil friend.” If you wear something truly unflattering, a nice friend will say, “That outfit does not seem to be working so great for you today” and then suggest an alternative. A mean friend will sneer and say: “You’re wearing THAT?” An evil friend will say, “You look great!”
IS IT CANCER?
Yes, cancer of the mouth. Asshole.
Ugh! “Your last name is awful.” Both my maiden name and married name are awful! I just did not hit the last name lottery. Bad enough that my friends wanted to turn our wedding announcement into Jay Leno. I love when people feel the need to point it out. Like I haven’t noticed before.
I feel you on this one. Ugh.
How sad that you and your peers feel that compliments are out of place at work. I have evil friends, and wouldn’t have it any other way. “You don’t sweat much for a fat bloke” is a good one I often get thrown at me – by the girls in my office. I usually respond with something like, “black make a lot of people look fat, you know….” (if they are wearing black as I do) or somesuch.
The key is “friends”. If you like your co-workers and get on with them, then most things, compliments or (mild) insults, are fair play. I think it’s called “social interaction,” or in the UK, “taking the piss.” I understand it is banned in many workplaces these days. If you don’t feel confident with those around you, or you have to share a workplace with a bunch of whiny social retards (which I guess on reflection, is what 90% of people have to do – I am SO lucky with the folk I work with now), then maybe your rules apply.
How do you feel about that as an opinion, Gorgeous?
This might be a cultural thing because you guys are evil and filthy over there.
Missed you. Ken and I were just over there.
It’s not compliments that are the problem. It’s what’s complimented that is the problem. People need to discuss the work that you do, not you as a person.
There’s nothing wrong with saying “Your blog is an inspiration”, because that’s about the work you do. Most examples you gave are assessing you as a person, not your work:
* “You’re not as tall…”, “You look pretty…”, “I heard you turned 50″ are all about body.
* “You’re like the matriarch of this industry.” almost is legit until it draws gender into it.
* “Your name is awful…” is about your name.
* “You look tired” is false familiarity.
The problem with the the work-related ones (“Blog too fluffy”, “Me not like cats so much”) are almost OK, except that you didn’t actually ask for their opinion. What they’re really saying is “You are blogging about the wrong things, and I am going to fix that for you by telling you you are wrong to do so.”
In those cases I refer to Miss Manners: “It is rude to assume that anyone other than minors in your custody is less capable than you are of making minor and major decisions about how to live.” (See longer version at http://xoa.petdance.com/Unsolicited_advice)
I think this is a good distinction. Maybe it’s me — I invite personal assessments because I live a (somewhat) open life.
I agree, Laurie – I helped host a tea for ladies the other day. The event was meant to be perfectly casual for friends to celebrate the holiday season in a festive manner (complete with hats), that is, until someone posted a photo of us on Facebook. Well, the barrage of disparaging comments that ensued was a sight to behold – from perfect strangers, no less! One guy said that he automatically hated us, then went on to add that we had ’9 lbs of makeup’ (because we looked like ‘mannequins’), and on and on. What do you say to that – kind of like a sucker-punch to the gut. He eventually assumed the “grace” to delete them after the friends added comments of their own…. Signed, Scrub-Face!
How about, “You’re awesome.” Does that work? Can we say that?
I like to believe that it is all in how you couch it…but saying stupid stuff no matter how fancy the delivery is still saying stupid stuff.