I am a victim of bullying — sorta.
Twenty years ago, I had an ‘accident’ while dating a very nice boy. I think we all know how the story ends.
- I was a high school student without much parental support.
- I worked a part-time job during the week.
- I babysat on the weekends.
- I tried to maintain good marks.
It’s actually surprising that I found time to get in trouble.
When news spread about my situation, a boy started to harass me. I am still not 100% sure why this happened. He was poor, chubby, and his parents escort bayan were dysfunctional. He had his own world of problems. There were other legitimate targets in his life. Unfortunately, I was on his radar screen.
I tried to ignore the situation — because that’s what I do — but one day he showed up at my work and stood in the parking lot while holding a baseball bat. Weird. Scary. I tried to keep calm & carry on.
I didn’t really have an adult in my life who could intervene. In fact, high school friends tried to intervene but the bullying continued throughout the semester. Between morning sickness and trigonometry and life, I was exhausted. I look back on those days and find them to be some of the most exhausting in my entire life.
Thankfully, I was a practical woman even when I was a dumb-ass kid. I was already a year ahead in high school but I enrolled in summer school so I could qualify to graduate at the age of 16 — even earlier than expected.
I was ready to be done with that mess.
Later in the semester [after my situation had ended], I opened my locker and found dozens of hand-drawn pictures of bloody coat hangers. They were folded up like origami triangles and shoved into my locker through the slats. When I opened the door, the pictures fell out into the hallway.
Can you imagine? It was like a scene out of a horror film. I was humiliated and very scared. I picked up the drawings and walked straight to the assistant principle’s office. I choked down my tears and said, “I don’t know what to do about this.”
I spilled the pictures on his desk. Very dramatic. Cue the music. [Season three of Laurie's High School Years available on DVD this December.]
My assistant principle was horrified. He was a Russian scholar — a brilliant man, actually — with an advanced degree in teen-age shenanigans. This was something new for him.
He asked, “How long has this been happening?”
I said, “All semester.”
The semester was nearly at an end.
He asked why I didn’t come to him sooner. The ever-eloquent girl, I shrugged my shoulders. I am still not sure why I didn’t ask for help. Shame. Fear. Embarrassment. My life was a bit messy.
He said, “You have the right to feel safe at school. You will never have to worry about this again.”
Not much left to say. I walked out.
Two days later, the boy was expelled from my high school. No drama. No lawyers. No hearings. Just action. In fact, nobody told me. I had to hear it from the grapevine. One day the boy was here. The next he was gone. Vanished.
I think about that experience when I hear about adults in my life who are victims of bullying and workplace violence. I just heard another story, last week. My assistant principle still serves as an amazing example of leadership. He promised me that I would feel safe. He promised me he would take action. And he lived up to his word. I was safe in his school — and because of his actions — I was safe outside of school. I had nothing to worry about.
It was such a profound life lesson for me. Listen to victims. Analyze the situation with a cool head. Then take action.
I am very thankful that I was given the gift of zero-tolerance. I was taught that bullying is unacceptable — even when the victim thinks she deserves it.
Nobody deserves it. Nobody.
It was an exceptional gift at a very difficult time in my life. I am still thankful for it.
40 comments ...wanna add one?
I wonder, sometimes, if all the “zero tolerance for bullying” stuff we see these days in some ways, perpetuates it by allowing people to hide behind policies. I haven’t seen the behavior your vice-principle displayed in a long time, in schools.
This week I got a 42-question online survey about bullying at my daughter’s school. She’s in Pre-K. I was supposed to ask her all these weird questions about where she felt most unsafe at the school, which I declined to do, because I didn’t want to put that idea into her head for the first time.
In the meantime, my neighbor’s kindergarten boy was called in to the principles’ office to talk to three adults at once, without a parent there, and suspended, because when he was roughhousing with a girl on the playground, he accidentally touched her butt. She was always told by her mom, “If anyone touches you between your knee and your bellybutton, tell the principal and me.” So she did. Which then started a shit storm of no one listening, analyzing the situation with a cool head, or taking appropriate action, just overreaction piled on liability management piled on unwillingness to take responsibility.
I’m glad you had that vice-principle on your team. And I’m glad he took responsibility for doing the right thing. I hope we can all get better at recognizing that policies are not the same thing as leadership.
I think there’s real zero tolerance and then there are lawyers.
Thanks for sharing this.
The real 2011-era question, though: Has he facebook friended you yet? Have you google searched him to see what became of him? These are the pressing questions of the day.
Nope. Not at all.
Once was the day that the term Bully was a positive term, a sign of affirmation. We had a President that said it all the time.
We see aggression in so many places. Is it on a rise? Who really knows, because in the grand cycle of life we have such a short time span of real notice. And humans are not the most objective of creatures.
Laurie, you point out a behavior, a negative one, that provides sharp contrast to the more positive, the affirming one. What we see in the vice principal’s actions is a foundation of principle, built from the components of compassion (horrified), wisdom (How long?), and conviction followed by action. You sum up your lesson very well.
Nice post. And if the guy is still alive – you must send it to him. Honor him. He taught you well.
Happy Thanksgiving ya’ all!
He did apologize a year or two after this all happened. He called. I didn’t accept his apology. I don’t think he understood what that experience did to me. I wish he had waited.
Reading through my comment – I was not clear with who you should honor. Not the jerk, though he was the catalyst. But honor the Vice Principal – that guy is worth honoring.
I relate to this too well. I will never forget the pure evil that some people were in highschool. (and it only makes me relive it when they try to Facebook friend me now).
I only wish our leadership had been so strong, instead I was met with “You’re a cheerleader dating a star football player – others would love to be in your situation, suck it up & accept the good with bad”
Franny – I agree 100% now, common sense is gone at most schools…and parents.
Im sorry to hear about your situation.
My HS friends were great and did try to intervene. Even some of the ones who didn’t like me told him to back off. He was a sad kid. I should have spoken up sooner. Glad you & other parents are vigilant!
The dude showed up where you worked with a bat, so I’d have been terrified that he may want to retaliate outside of school. That was incredibly brave of you. I’ve terminated employees for bad behavior towards other employees and always in the back of my mind I’m a little worried about what happens when the person who was subjected to the bad behavior leaves our property and we no longer have as much influence on his or her safety. Especially if the harrasser is a little “off.”
This is a deeply personal story, so I understand if you’ve said as much as you want to say. But if you have any idea of what this assistant principal did to make this kid leave you alone altogether — not just at school — I’d be very interested to hear it. I hate that you had to endure that.
Oh I was terrified for a little while but this was back in 1991 when adults could scare the shit out if kids, I suppose. He was warned. And he never did bother me again.
You’re right. Workplace violence trails into personal lives which is why I tell ppl — if it’s illegal, call the police.
Glad you overcame it, Laurie! Bullying is not acceptable, but somehow it has risen dramatically in the last few years. I am even thinking of some kind of alternative school for ‘the princess.” She was the recipient of enough bullying by her own mother, doesn’t need any more to deal with at school. Thanks for sharing your story.
(The princess? = Someone else’s beautiful – and I mean beautiful child I am raising.)
Oh I’m sorry. That’s sad. Good luck.
Thanks for sharing your story, Laurie. It’s a testament to your bravery, intelligence, and perseverance.
Tx. That’s nice. Could be a testament to how I can’t let shit go. I’ve examined that angle, too.
Laurie, thanks for sharing this… I suspect most people who are smart, creative and just different enough to be noticed meet with bullying at some point in their life. My story is similar in many aspects to yours and I too was lucky enough to have an adult who actually took action. I started learning then that no one has the right to make me a victim. In the years since I’ve unfortunately discovered that adults sometimes need protection too – but no one is going to bully my people!
Amen Charlotte!
Laurie, I am just thankful that we have people in this world like you who are not afraid to share their stories with the world so we can grow and learn. Thank you for being you, and for all the others like you.
Thanks DA!
Great post, Laurie–and probably difficult, as it is so intensely personal. I’m glad it ended the way it did for you. I’m wondering how we achieve some level-headed balance between encouraging reporting of true bullying/abuse (God, I’m so tired of the Penn State thing…but this made me think of it again!) and the sort of thing Frannyo described. Bullying is awful and needs to be stopped, period; accidental butt-touch is just that, accidental.
I wish frannyo could run America and I’m not joking.
Raising three daughters… one in high school, one in middle school, and one in elementary school, I have the misfortune of watching the “phases” of bullying that progress from K thru 12! If only we could clone your vice-principal and stick one of him in every school…..
Thanks for sharing your touching story.
m – I have no doubt that your awesome daughters will make it through. And look at you! You’re fierce. You’ll make sure an assistant principle does his job right!
True story – a few years back I got bullied by a boss (in fact, The Boss – so not much recourse… ) on a regular basis (I wasn’t alone.) One day he came to me and asked me to write an anti-bullying policy. I wrote it , and on the first page I described the behaviour (his behaviour) that was unacceptable. He read it, signed it off and sent it to all staff. I don’t work there any more.
Omg. What a story. You need a blog.
Well, it caused a bit of a shitstorm at the time, but what I really learned was that bullies don’t necessarily recognise that’s what they are. He probably just thought he was a great leader and a tough guy… Truth is, we can all do mean things to one another from time to time. The key is to recognise what you did is wrong, apologise, and not do it again. What goes around… no truer saying.
I attended a seminar that spoke about workplace bullying and the end message was that you can’t cure them. I do believe you can cure a child bully. I had a few because I was short, wore glasses and was generally really quiet. Apparently that means I need to be bullied. The girl that bullied me had the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. She’s no longer a bully, and I know her home situation sucked, so that may be why, but I still hate her. My home situation wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops either but I didn’t pick on anyone. I don’t let shit go either because how you treat people matters and I don’t believe in rewarding bad behavior.
Nice post, by the way, I hope you don’t get hate mail.
Raw, honest, powerful. I learned a lesson reading it. I was reminded of my personal stories from that era. I shared it with my teenage son (frequent victim of bullies due to chunkiness) on FB. That way he could read and hopefully some of his angst ridden teen friends would as well.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You still don’t cease to amaze those of us that have been following you for years. You are truly transparent and we love that about you! This one is in my top ten.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Very glad the rough path from there, brought you here to all of us.
Laurie,
Thank you for sharing this story.
On the other hand, it shows that you are not qualified to be called “Cynical”.
Laurie, what you suffered was more than just bullying – it was an act of pure misogyny and probably religious fanaticism. He clearly had deep rooted issues against women and decided to hone in on you as an easy target. You say that he apologized two years later, I’m curious to know what he said to you. How did he explain his actions at the time?
To stand outside your work with a bat is just terrifying. Did you think of calling the police?
I didn’t think of calling the police. That’s weird, I suppose. Dunno. The whole thing was surreal.
When he apologized, he said he was lost and took 100% responsibility for his actions. I said, ” I don’t care.” Or something like that. Wasn’t a long call.
I never told my husband about any of this, by the way. Made for interesting convos over the past few days.
Laurie, this post I think captures what is so inspiring for me about your blog. You give your readers a special combination of candour, wit and at times vulnerability that we experience through your honesty, humour and preparedness to dig deep. I have no doubt that you would act like your teacher in those circumstances, and there is something for everyone to learn from him, and from you, in this story.
Laurie, you didn’t have to share this but I am glad you did and that you did it so powerfully. The kid is in 5th grade and the drama has already begun – “smile and avoid the girl drama” is going to get her only so far and if it gets beyond that, I’d expect for nothing less from the school than what your asst principal did for you. And if we could get business leaders to do the same – the world of work could be very, very different.
Wow! Powerful post. Your unique life experiences and ability to share those stories for enlightenment never cease to amaze me. You’re one of the most versatile bloggers I know.
This is a topic very close to my heart. I know there’s a lot of things going on in the news lately about bullying, suicides and of course the It Gets Better Project…and thanks to the internet the news gets out there and schools are implementing anti-bullying policies…great. Wonderful. So why am I so skeptical?
Because all my childhood – where I was targeted by one violent little numbskull and subsequently made a target all throughout my school going years for all little numbskulls – I never EVER had one courageous adult who had my back like your assistant principle. It was very obvious what was going on…but teachers openly ignored it, or worse, actually encouraged it. I was a brilliant little girl who loved learning and by the time I was in 6th grade I was failing all my classes and hated my life. Honestly, it’s what got me into punk rock, silly as it sounds to some, because it channeled my anger and frustration.
I do hope adults who work in schools who talk the talk about anti-bullying actually walk the walk. I saw no evidence of it in my time. Kids have a right to NOT be terrorized while they go to school, and adults who work with kids have a responsibility to make sure their learning and development is unhindered from any kind of abuse from anyone. If they don’t, they are cowards and have failed those kids and don’t deserve to teach.
And that future serial killer with the baseball bat you had to deal with….serious violence is a very real threat. Your vice-principle obviously did the correct – and in my experience – rare thing.
I actually wrote some constructive stuff about this topic on my blog:
http://kristincurrier.com/wordpress/2010/10/i-was-bullied/
Laurie, I know you didn’t share that story to make anyone feel sorry for you, but of course it would bring out empathy in most. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. And what a horrible person that boy was.
That saying about you might not remember what someone said but you’ll always remember how they made you feel is so true.
Laurie, wow. I’m sorry that happened.
Schools should be safe places, but they have not always been. I was in a war zone in high school. I was physically harassed by many students, and in eleventh grade the faculty and principals joined in. It took a suicide attempt, my extended absence from school and the threat of litigation from my parents for ANYONE at my school to take action and finally establish some safety parameters for me. So I *will* say I am glad your vice-principal was ON IT, in terms of a response.
I was bullied for a number of reasons, including antigay sentiment from students, teachers and staff. And whether someone is pro- or anti-gay based on their beliefs, schools needs to be a neutral, safe place. Education should be a priority, with urgency and without interruptions. Not having a safe space impacted my HS learning, which impacted my initial go at college….which is why I’m an old man going back to finish what I started years ago. I don’t think everyone has connected those dots, yet. The cost to an individual – and our workforce, and our economy – is substantial when a safe space for education is lost.
Also, we need to get way better at teaching boys how to cope with feelings. Young men are not learning healthy, constructive ways to deal with loss and anger. A baseball bat isn’t a solution.
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